Week after week my client shared on his coaching session preparation form the deep breathing he was doing to help him cope with his stress, and how he wasn’t exactly sure if or how the breathing was actually helping him.
Coping with stress had not been the focus of our work or the goals that he chose to work on, but seeing that he was sharing about his stress almost each week on his form I noted that and asked if he wanted to address the topic more directly in our session.
He thought that would be helpful and so we began to explore.
What’s Causing the Stress?
The first step was to understand the thoughts behind his stress, as our feelings tend to be reactions or responses to our thoughts.
He shared that he was concerned about keeping his job and spoke very negatively about himself anytime he experienced a failure or made a mistake.
It became clear through the various examples that he shared that much of his feelings of worthiness were based and dependent on the outcomes he either did or did not achieve, other people’s judgment of him, and on whether or not he succeeded or failed. In other words, it was based on the external and on things that were very much outside of his control.
It became clear, then, why the deep breathing that he often did in his effort to help ease the stress that he was feeling was not having the lasting effect or impact he was aiming to achieve.
The deep breathing, while helpful in the moment, wasn’t addressing the deeper reason, or I might even say ‘formula’, that was the cause of his stress.
The Stress Creating ‘Formula’
In my client’s case, the ‘formula’ that he had been applying for much of his life in his effort to motivate himself and succeed was to focus on the external (e.g. the outcomes he achieved or what other people thought of him) as a measure of his worthiness or capabilities.
That is a tremendous weight to carry, which feels heavier given the fact that the external factors he was basing his feelings of worth and capability on were, for the most part, out of his control. It made sense, then, that he was feeling stressed as we tend to feel most stressed when our attention is focused on the things we cannot control.
The Solution
If the above formula was what had been creating the stress, even while it may have been helping him to succeed, it clearly was not good for his health. He (and I believe we all) required another, more effective, formula to help him build real, lasting, and inherent confidence that would help him feel worthy and capable without the stress.
The Right Formula for Building Inherent Confidence (and thereby Relieving Stress)
If real and lasting confidence isn’t built through our accomplishments or what other people think of us, how is it built?
When I learned and understood the answer to this question it was life changing. It put the power back into my own hands and helped me move through everyday life, family, relationships, and work, and the challenges that come along with all of these, with so much more ease, and even helped me heal old wounds and traumas. Yes, it can be that powerful.
Instead of externalizing our sense of self-worth (or as I like to say, building confidence from the outside-in) we need to switch our focus and approach to building our self-confidence from within (or from the inside-out.)
This means that instead of focusing on our accomplishments or on others for proof of our worthiness or capabilities, we turn our focus inward to explore, understand and embrace our unique qualities, gifts, talents, and strengths.
We can then more fully understand, know, and feel good about what we are capable of, what our challenges might be, and how we can move forward effectively and successfully in our life and work.
The Result
When my client started to make this shift, he immediately started to feel more at ease. This makes sense, as focusing inward brings our attention and our focus back to ourselves and onto what is in our control, helping us to actually feel more in control, and thereby much less stressed.
How about you?
When you feel stressed, where is your focus and what are your thoughts?
Do you find that you are focusing more on the external?
If so, to help yourself feel more in control and at ease, turn your focus inward and remind yourself of your inherent qualities and strengths and on the things that you can do and that are in your control.
This will help to not only decrease your feelings of stress but even leave you feeling more confident and empowered.
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