A number of years ago I was watching a video where the speaker was sharing all the negative things he said to and about himself. He then described this negative self-talk as abuse.
As soon as I heard that description, and that word abuse, it hit me hard. It was so accurate and true.
I always understood why speaking negatively about oneself wasn’t good or helpful, but until this person stated and defined it so accurately and clearly, I hadn’t thought about just how harmful negative self-talk really is.
When a client recently shared with me the harsh words he used toward himself anytime he made a mistake or didn’t reach his intended outcomes, I mentioned the abuse description.
He agreed that the way he spoke to and about himself was, indeed, abusive.
I asked him to share some of the actual things he said to and about himself when he was in this negative place.
He said that he often said things like:
– You’re such an idiot!
– What’s wrong with you?!
– Why are you always making mistakes?!
– You’ll never be successful!
He agreed that if any other person spoke to him in that way it would definitely be considered a form of abuse.
Why was he speaking to or about himself in this way?
It seemed to be his mistaken way of trying to motivate himself to do, and be, better.
But, as I pointed out to him, and as he also understood logically, no one is ever truly motivated through abuse and/or shame.
So, what can we do instead of speaking negatively to and about ourselves that will help us to motivate ourselves in a healthy way?
There are a number of ways to go about making this change.
Below are two ways you can get started with today.
1) Separate your actions from your identity.
Remember that while you may have made a mistake, you are NOT your mistake. Who you are is not to be defined by what you do or by any past experiences. Who you are is defined by your qualities, character, and values.
Instead of allowing for your actions or your past experiences to take the lead and become the definition of you, define yourself by your qualities, character, and values and let these take the lead. This is the accurate definition of who you are and will bring you to clarity about the life and experiences you want to create for yourself and also motivate you in a healthy and much more effective way.
[To hear more about how to empower yourself by defining yourself by who you are, as opposed to ‘what you are’ or what you have experienced, watch my short TEDx talk on the topic.]
2) Speak kindly to yourself.
I know this may sound simplistic and logical, but here’s a way for you to think about it that will hopefully encourage you to switch your negative self-talk to speaking more positively to and about yourself.
Louise Hay, author of Receiving Prosperity and many other books, says that ‘whether we realize it or not, we are speaking to ourselves all the time. We may as well speak positively to ourselves!’
Barbara L. Fredrickson, positivity expert and author of the book Positivity, shares about the science behind positivity and how being positive helps us to see more options and opportunities, think more clearly, and make better and clearer decisions.
In fact, Fredrickson’s research shows the opposite to be true about negativity. When we are in a negative frame of mind we tend to see fewer, if any, options, and make worse decisions. In other words, a much better way to motivate yourself and move yourself forward is to think positively and to speak positively about yourself.
Making the Switch
Making the switch from speaking negatively about yourself to speaking and thinking positively about yourself can feel challenging, especially if you have been in the habit of speaking and/or thinking negatively about yourself for a long time.
The good news is that with the right effort, tools, guidance, and support you can make this change.
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If you’d like to hear more about how I have helped myself and others make this change and how I can help you, reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation with me.
This is a free, 45 minute, meeting on Zoom where you can share with me more about the challenges you are experiencing, receive tips on how you can start moving forward, and where I also share with you more about how I work so that you can see if what I offer is right for you.
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In meantime, check in with yourself.
When you make a mistake or experience a negative outcome, how do you react and/or relate/speak to yourself?
What do you think about the way that you speak to or about yourself?
If someone else were to speak to or about you in this way, how would you describe the way they are speaking to or about you?
What, if anything, do you want to change or improve about the way you speak to or about yourself?
Why do you want to make this change or improvement?
I hope you found this email helpful and encouraging. If you have any questions, feel free to get in touch with me here.
In support and admiration,
~ Jenny
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