If you are having a hard time moving on from your ex, there is a step I encourage you to take so that you can finally move on and into the next (better) chapter of your (relationship) life.
Why you have probably skipped over this step.
This step that I am about to share with you, that is a vital step for you to take in order to move on from your ex, is one that you have probably skipped over. The reason you have likely skipped over this step is because until now you have been likely blaming your ex for everything that went wrong in your relationship. Blaming is our natural first tendency especially when we have felt hurt in the relationship. It is much easier to blame the other person than to do what I am going to suggest you do to help you (finally) move on.
Where has blaming your ex gotten you?
Sure, it feels good to blame your ex for everything that went wrong in the relationship, but besides for feeling ‘good’, has blaming really helped you move on? Has it helped you move forward to your next relationship in a healthy way? Or do you still find that you think about the relationship all the time, and everything that s/he did wrong?
If Blaming isn’t helping you move one, what will?
The only healthy way to move forward is (drum roll please…) to take personal responsibility.
Taking personal responsibility is the first major step you are required to take so that you can finally move on from your ex fully and focus on taking and building a better now and future for yourself.
What it means to take personal responsibility and how doing so will help you move on.
Taking personal responsibility means to look at yourself and to take responsibility for your part in creating the relationship (no matter how unhealthy or healthy it was.) If it was an unhealthy relationship, take responsibility for choosing to be in the relationship in the first place. Take responsibility for perhaps not asking for what you needed in the relationship, for waiting for your partner to create the love that you wanted to have in your relationship, or for being a partner in creating the unhealthy relationship that you had.
If you were in a healthy relationship, take responsibility for that too. You helped to create that! You, too, are capable of creating a healthy relationship. It wasn’t just your partner who created that for you. You were a part of it, and you can be a partner with someone else in creating another loving and healthy relationship.
In short, own it. Own your part in creating either the unhealthy or healthy relationship that you were in.
Taking personal responsibility helps you let go of the blame. In order to move on in a healthy way, you will want to get out of the blame game. Staying in the blame game keeps you in the past. It keeps you in that past relationship even though you have technically broken up. Taking personal responsibility will help you put an end to the blame game and move forward.
How I know.
I know because I too once had a very hard time moving on from an ex boyfriend. I was stuck in the blame game and because I was so hurt in the relationship, wanted my ex to never be happy. I was the only one who deserved to be happy, I thought. And although on the outside I had ‘moved on’ and was in my own wonderful relationship, on the inside I still kept wishing for my ex’s misery. Basically, I didn’t really move on. It wasn’t healthy for me to think this way while building my own healthy relationship. I still thought of my ex which made it hard to be fully present in my own relationship.
One day I found out that my ex got engaged and I became enraged. Again, even though I was in my own relationship, there was no way I could accept that my ex could have his own happiness. I was still stuck in the blame game until I was hit with one of the hugest aha’s of my life…that I was responsible for getting into the relationship with him in the first place.
I chose to date him even though he told me not to get into a relationship with him.
I chose to date him even though I knew he smoked and I swore to myself I would never date anyone who smoked…or lied…or gambled…or any of the other things he did that I did not agree with.
I used to blame him for all of it; for every single thing that went wrong in our failed relationship.
And then I took full responsibility.
It was only then that I saw so clearly that my ex was not to blame at all. It was me who chose to ignore my own values and be in a relationship with someone who did not share my values. I did that. Not my ex.
It was only once I took full responsibility that I was finally (finally!) able to fully let go….and wish him well. It was an incredible release and relief.
How about you?
Are you still playing the blame game?
What can you take responsibility for in your former relationship(s)?
In support and admiration,
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