Last week a close friend of mine shared with me that someone they know, a relatively young couple, is on their way to getting a divorce. When I heard this news of a young couple, married for a few years, with a few small children, I felt sad. Curious about the reason for the divorce, as I like to understand people and relationships, my good friend told me that one of the partners in the relationship was now on a journey of self-discovery and as a result their values had ‘changed.’ These values were in contrast and even in contradiction to the other partner’s core values. As a result, it became solemnly clear to at least one of the partners in this marriage, that they were no longer able to be partners in continuing to build a home and life together (i.e. be in a marriage.)
The journey of self-discovery is an important one, one that I strongly encourage. Knowing yourself not only helps you to understand who you are, but also helps you make the right choices for yourself and gives you the direction, information, and understanding for how to create a joyful and fulfilling life for yourself. This journey of self-discovery can happily continue until well into old age. In my opinion, this journey is one of the delights of life. I also believe, however, that there are certain parts of this journey of self-discovery that should happen BEFORE you get married.
Part of the significant glue that forms a healthy, happy, long-lasting and fulfilling marriage/relationship, is having core values in common.
According to Chana Levitan, author of ‘I Only Want to Get Married Once’, “time has proven, over and over again, that when the excitement of a new relationship starts to wear off, when those twigs burn out, one’s goals and values suddenly become more glaring and obvious. No matter how great the initial chemistry is, if your values are on two different pages, the odds of your marriage working decreases significantly.”
Knowing that having common core values is what keeps marriages going strong, I encourage you to figure out what your core values are before you date for marriage. Taking the time to discover, know and understand what your core values are will help you make a better choice about what kind of life, home and family you want to have and build and who to build that life, home and family with.
In addition to your core values (and when I say ‘core values’, I mean those values that are so important to you, you cannot live without them, nor would you compromise on them), I encourage you to also get to know your characteristics and qualities and what qualities and characteristics you are looking for in a partner. These are qualities that you respect and admire in others. They are the qualities (i.e. people) you like to be around and surround yourself with. Knowing what your qualities are and what qualities you admire, will also help you make good choices about who will make a good long-term partner for you, as having respect for someone is also a core foundation for building a healthy relationship with that person.
Click here to learn more tools and skills that will help you make the right choices about who to date and how to create healthy, happy and long-lasting relationships.
In support and admiration,
If you are having trouble determining what your core values and qualities are, get in touch with me. As part of your coaching program with me, I help you discover who you are, what your qualities are, what your core values are, and what qualities you are looking for in a partner.
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Let’s talk about how you can help me, Jenny.
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