28 Apr 2015

Love Tip Tuesday: Mourning the Loss of Your Recent Break-Up

by Jenny Sassoon | posted in: Dating/Relationship Direction & Success | 0

Recently a past client of mine reached out to me. She sent me an email saying that she really appreciated my posts about how to create great, happy, and successful relationships, but pointed out that I have yet to address what to do when a relationship doesn’t work out.

She had just gone through a very hurtful and difficult break-up with a man she really cared for and felt very close to. “Saying goodbye to him meant saying goodbye to my best friend too”, she wrote.

Reading her email was heart-wrenching and humbly sobering at the same time. My client was right, I did dedicate most of my relationship posts to how to build better and stronger relationships, and much less time focusing on how to move forward from a failed relationship and a difficult break-up. [However, I do write a bit about one of my most difficult failed relationship stories, and what I learned about myself and relationships here, in this post.]

My client asked me if I had any guidance and support for her. I will share with you what I shared with her.

When I was in my mid-twenties I was dating for marriage. [Click here to read my post about the differences between dating for marriage and dating for a relationship.] At the time, I was already interested in finding ‘the one.’ I knew what I wanted for my life and was looking for the right person to build that with. I dated a few men and early on in my ‘dating for marriage’ excursion, I met and dated a man I really liked. He was kind, funny, and passionate about the things I too cared about. Things were going very well. I was really enjoying our conversations, getting to know him, and doing fun things together. I was developing stronger feelings for him as the weeks went by, and thought, this could really turn into something very serious.

After one of our dates at an intimate concert in the city we were living in (where he thoughtfully surprised me with a Djembe drum to play on because he knew I liked to play), he walked me back to my apartment building and…dumped me…in the lobby.

I was totally not expecting it and man did it hurt. It felt like I had been punched in my stomach. I walked up to my apartment and did not really know what to do with myself. I hated feeling the way that I did – hurt, angry, confused, heart-broken…and really sad. Not only was I not hanging out with this great guy anymore, I also had to say goodbye to the potential of this person being my husband.

It really stunk.

I called a good friend of mine for support. She gave me the following incredible advice:

Take this time to mourn the loss that you are experiencing, she said.

Her words penetrated my heart. I felt validated. My friend was right, it was a LOSS that I was experiencing. Yes, thank goodness, no one died. It was not that kind of a loss, but a loss nonetheless. A real one that I was feeling pained by.

My friend’s advice helped me to get present. Instead of pushing away the pain that I was feeling, I gave myself permission to feel. I did what came naturally to me. I listened to depressing music and sat on my couch and cried. I mourned my loss.

A few weeks later I was done and was back to my regular self. By allowing myself to be in the moment and accept the pain and hurt that I was feeling, those feelings took their natural course through my body and my emotions. It is usually when we deny our feelings or try to distract ourselves from feeling the pain that we are experiencing that it takes longer for us to heal from our pain.

If you have just experienced a difficult break-up, give yourself the permission you deserve to mourn the loss that you are experiencing. Be gentle with yourself and accept your feelings. It is a real loss for you (even if others might not see it that way.) Take the time and do whatever it is that you require to heal. Perhaps for you too that means listening to music and sitting on your couch and crying. Or perhaps it is speaking to or sitting with your friends. You might like to express your feelings in art or music, or write about the pain and/or the anger that you are feeling….and shout your head off about it into a microphone…or at a poetry slam. Whatever works for you, do it. Giving yourself the permission to feel, experience, and express what you are feeling, will help you move forward and let go more naturally and, in all likelihood, more quickly so that you can be fully open, ready and free to invite the next great thing into your life.

Please be in touch anytime with any questions or comments you have. You can reach me here.

Have an amazing day and week!

In support and in awe of all that you are,

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Jenny Sassoon

Career & Relationship Coach | Leadership Trainer | Founder of UnleashingU!

Hi, I'm Jenny Sassoon, founder of UnleashingU! I guide professionals, students, entrepreneurs, and executives to move forward and thrive in their career, business, leadership and life in a way that is right and authentic for them. To schedule your complimentary consultation to learn more about how I can help you, click on the 'contact' tab above.