Last week I wrote about the first key tool in becoming a Master of Love (i.e. someone who is really awesome at building healthy and successful relationships), which was learning and practicing how to be a great listener. [Click here to read Part 1 of How to Become a Love Master: Becoming a Great Listener.]
This week, as promised at the end of last week’s post, we are going to learn about the next tool to becoming a Love Master: Becoming a Master Giver. With Thanksgiving just behind us and the holidays on the horizon, this time of year provides the perfect platform for our discussion about how to be great givers in our relationships.
Let’s start with a few questions:
How do you give to others? What do you do?
How do you like to be given to?
What are you noticing?
I am not sure whether or not this is what you noticed for you, but more often than not, whether we realize it or not, the gift we give to others is usually a gift we ourselves want. Is this, then, real giving? On the most basic level, yes, it is giving. But when we really want to connect to someone else and show them how much we love them, we must learn how they like and want to be given to.
There are a few ways we can find this information out. One way is to ask them. Yes, it is that simple. Often we feel that in order to let someone know that we love and care about them, we have to figure out on our own how to do that. This guessing game can be very exhausting and can cause unnecessary anxiety and pressure. Take the pressure off of yourself and ask your loved one what they like and how they want to be given to by you. Often, this question alone is a gift to your partner.
Another thing you can do is read up on one of my favorite relationship resources: The Five Love Languages. This approach teaches us that each of us has a unique way in which we like to be shown love and be given to. It is very common for two partners to have different love languages. The key to becoming a Master Giver is to learn what your partner’s love language is and then show them love or give to them in that language.
Once you have mastered this you can then move on to the next, and highest level of giving. Practicing giving at this next level will help you become Master Giver Extraordinaire (and the envy of all your partner’s family and friends!)
The first level of giving is: Fulfilling a need (based on a request or what is expected.)
The second and highest level of giving is: Giving for the sake of giving (giving to others what was not expected or asked for by the other.)
“It is at this ‘higher’ level of giving when memorable and meaningful moments are created and shared.” (I am not sure who said this, but I had this statement in quotes in my notes on giving, so I know it was not me, hence the quotes.)
Examples of giving at this second and higher level – Giving for the Sake of Giving are:
- Buying a gift for someone when it is not expected or requested of you.
- Preparing tea or a glass of water for someone when they have not asked for it.
- Calling your friend up for no reason other than to tell them how much you value them.
- Surprising your partner with a whole day off for just the both of you (and planning all the activities so that all they have to do is join in on the fun.)
Now, here is the test of knowing that you are giving in this way:[Enter drum roll.]
When you give to the other, and the response from the other is NO,
you are okay with it.
Tune in next week, when we round off this series of how to become a Love Master with learning how to become a Master Giver of the Benefit of the Doubt.
If you have any questions about what I shared here about how to become a Master Giver, feel free to contact me anytime.
Interested in becoming a Real Master of Love in your relationships? Sign up today for the 5-week Build Better Relationships Course.
Want to become more confidently directed in your relationships? Sign up today for the Confidently Directed Young Professional Coaching Program.
Have an amazing day!
In support and admiration,